I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
