man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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