I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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