Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
