If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Drunk is a universal language darling
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