Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
