I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
