I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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