walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Randomize
