you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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