You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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