you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
