there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
