its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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