She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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