I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i will never coherently bang her
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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