shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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