If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Randomize
