I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
