Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
