It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
