Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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