What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
