I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
