The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Come see our sink grown plant.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
