you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
