if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
