I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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