Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
