Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
