I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
