My cat gives me a boner
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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