I accidentally had phone sex last night
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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