remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You need a sexual gate keeper
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
