I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
