please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
