the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Boobs speak an international language.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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