i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
