So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
