Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
