Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
