Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
