I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
