Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
