he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
