I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
