I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
