i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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