We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
