babies were throwing up all over the place
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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