I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
