Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
